🎙48. HOW to be Present — Marie’s Philosophy & 4 Step Framework

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(intro)

Welcome back or welcome to the spiritual 9-5 podcast, hosted by myself, Marie Groover - CEO & Founder of The Corporate Psychic and a new biz - Essential Teams. We are here to experience transcendence through the actual and lived human experience, which for many of us is mostly spent at work, in service, or in business. Yay capitalism. Today’s episode is a continuation of last week, and it offers a bit of a how-to in being present. I think it’s essential because there are not a lot of practical and easily digestible resources that tell us how to be present while we are engaged in the day to day. And, I’m not going to lie, the juice in this episode is at the end, so be sure to listen through the last drop.

And if this or any episode resonates, please please please link it to a friend or colleague who would also receive value. It matters so much to me.

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One of the hardest things for me to do is to simply follow through on what I at one point said that I would do. Truly. It is to deliver what I promise (in advance) to deliver, especially if a lot of time passes by.

This could be the ADHD, could be anxiety, fear of death, fear of not living up to results, – the one who wants to follow her whimsy,or it could the philosopher artist in me – the one who wants to move from inspiration rather than obligation, the one who rebels against structure and programmatic obedience – the part in me who values flow over force. I think this is also the projector in me, for my human design nerds out there.

And yet. It is following through with what we say we will do that not only builds trust for others, but it also builds trust in ourselves. Both of which are uberly important when you are an entrepreneur or a leader, and in general as a human being, because connection is a basic necessity, whether we recognize it or not.

As such, I am showing up today to finish what we started in the last episode. Not just because I said I would – though it is the saying that I would that has allowed me to demonstrate my challenges and struggles and work-related hardships. But because it’s important. And I don’t think we talk about it enough. I’m reading an entire book about the importance of presence right now, but no one where in the book does it tell you how to be it or do it. In fact it actually talks about how being present is underwhelming because we aren’t sure if we are doing it right – and I disagree with this.

Last week on this podcast, the spiritual 9-5, we talked about the importance of presence. It was a declaration that Now is all there is, and that Now, the eternal now as some would call it, is the key to all of your desires. Because it is only through the present that we will reach the future – literally. We can’t experience the future until the future becomes the present.

If this sounds like gibberish to you, go listen or re-listen to last week’s episode “Episode 47. Now is all there is: A lifehack and the key to your every desired outcome”.

If you have listened, if you are already all caught up (or even if you are not, welcome to divine timing, you aren’t missing a single thing) – the hanging question is this: how?

How do you stay in the present moment? And, what exactly is the present moment while we are at it?

And I have to say, I don’t think the present is underwhelming. And maybe that is an entirely different episode – on creating a mindset to flourish in the present. So let’s talk about what it means to be present – what I think it means to be present.

What it means to be present is to be active and engaged in the perpetual ongoingness of life. To be 100% open and receptive of what is showing up within and immediately in front of you, and to be 100% giving of yourself to it. With this, it is also to be discerning of what it is that we are feeding within each moment.

What the fuck does that mean?

For me, it means this.

I am standing in line at a coffee shop. I can smell coffee and hints of syrup intermixed with probably the scent of the humans working and waiting. I am rooted in my physical body, but not overly conscious of it – AKA, I’m not like controlling my breath or thinking about the work my intestines are doing to digest the tofu scramble I ate a few hours earlier. Suddenly, a wave of grief strikes me. I have a choice – to be with it, or to push it to the side because I am in public and I don’t want to order my coffee with moist eyes or a face that looks like it’s holding back tears. Which goes to say that I am afraid that I will make other people uncomfortable and do I want to choose what is showing up within me, or do I want to disassociate? Tell myself that I’ll get to the grief later and instead order a blueberry muffin and overly indulge as my body’s way of trying to ground – or just let the grief be there with me?

The reason I am using this as an example specifically, is because sometimes what the present moment asks of us is to be intimately with whatever is showing up for us, on the inside. You see, being present isn’t always about mindfully washing the dishes, or paying attention to our breath, or finishing our todo list without distractions before we log off for the day. Being present is about being open to what is. And not distracting or disassociating from it.

Sometimes that means to physically be with your body when your mind wants to race and spin in circles about your future. Because sometimes it’s your mind that is taking you away from what’s in front of you. A great example is this:

You’re eating lunch with your parents. Your mom is telling you a funny story about the family dog. You are only half listening because you think that you have more important things to worry about, like paying your mortgage, or if you are going to get that promo that you’ve been pining over, or if your latest crush is going to text you back, or whatever you are currently and mentally pre-occupied with. In this case, I would say, the present, what is being offered to you, is right in front of you. It’s your mom. And it’s the story about the family dog. It’s the food that you are eating. It’s the way your pants are just a little too tight, so you need to adjust them so that one of your stomach rolls is fully covered and secure. It’s the slight tick of anxiety that you feel when you are in the presence of your parents because there is a hint of unresolved trauma or conflict that has been left in the past but is very much still present in the energy exchanged between you right here, right now.

Being present is becoming aware of what is truly tugging at you, whether that be internal - like grief, or anger or resentment, or external, like your spouse asking you to put your phone down, or your friend telling you about their workday.

And then it’s receiving fully what is there, while also giving fully of yourself back to it. It’s listening intently to your friend or your spouse, not thinking about what you’re about to say, or the solution to the problem they are sharing with you. It’s actually listening.. It’s feeling the breeze touch your skin unexpectedly, and smiling back at it. It’s discerning that, yes you have a lot to do at work today, and yes you are also feeling very distracted, and that yes, it’s okay to have a lot to do and feel distracted from it. You are greater than your feelings. You can be here with it. With all of it.

I say this, and I do have to acknowledge that this is really hard work. Because, at the root of being present, is actively engaging with and opening ourselves to the unknown. If we sit and listen to our friend tell us what’s going on in her relationship and where she is struggling, if we really listen and we withhold our our thinking and rehearsal of what we are going to say or how we are going to solve her problem or how we already know what it is that she is about to explain, we realize that we actually dont know. We don’t know what she is about to say or how what’s happening in her life is affecting her. We realize that we don’t actually have all the answers and that we might not even have AN answer at all.

To be present and to be open is to be curious – genuinely. Not to like ask good questions or impress the person talking. It’s to be genuinely like a scientist, but without a hypothesis. Every moment becomes an experiment. And that’s scary because we must then operate in a way of being that is without certainty, without answer, without knowing. And we want to KNOW, everything.

I’m reading this book right now called 4 thousand weeks: Time management for mortals. And it talks about how we have about 4 thousands weeks, on average, of life, as human beings. I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but the way that the book is going so far, I am willing to bet that it’s not a productivity or time hack that is going to make your life meaningful or filled with more accomplishments, but that it’s ultimately presence - and what you choose to give your attention to.

Within this book, there is a story about a man who was always too busy to know how to fix anything. He was one day walking down the street and saw a neighbor fixing his lawn mower and he said to the neighbor something like “good on you. I wish I could fix things like my lawn mower, when they broke. But this kind of stuff is beyond me.” and the neighbor said “you can. You just haven’t taken the time.” And he was so flustered by this comment, so driven by this comment, so fixated on the truth of it, that the next time something broke – which happened to be his brakes by the way.. He looked at it himself. He said that at first he had no idea what he was looking at, and that his inclination was to pull at a couple wires and then say “it’s beyond me” and give it up, take it to a shop. But instead he got himself comfortable. He took his time looking. And he found that the fix was simple and that he could actually do it himself – without youtube, without training, without someone else diagnosing. And he fixed it.

And I’m not about to say that every problem in our life will automatically be solved this way. With presence. But, I will echo something that the author said, instead. He said that we, a people, are so afraid to sit with the unknown that quite often we just don’t. It’s not that we don’t have the patience or the means or the smarts or the abilities or even the desire. It’s that we think a solution is better, we think a solution is finite, we think when we have an answer rather than no answer, we are done.

We are all like racing to some finish line that actually doesn’t exist. There will never not be problems to solve in this life. Yet we live our lives as if there is a finite number of problems and that once we have solved them all, then we can relax, then we can be present. Then we are worthy.

Kening said to me, a couple weeks ago, that process is everything. That even death itself is the process of decaying. And that being a live is bowing to the process and allowing of ourselves to be within it or a part of it.

We are never done. Nothing is ever done. And for some reason, that is scary. Maybe because we have been sold a different idea of what it means to be alive or productive or successful.

And often we avoid the present, because to be in the present truly, is to be in and with the unknown. It is to be in process. It is to be in the problem, with the problem, with the grief or the sadness or the happiness, that we dont want to be with because we don’t want to be out of control. It is to be without solution (for a moment’s time). It is to sit intently listening to a story and actually surrendering to the fact that no matter how much we think we know the ending or the purpose behind it, we don’t. Because even if we have already heard the story, the human behind it, including their entire lived experience, is different from ours. There is always fresh and new and unknown perspective that we can inhabit. We can’t know, be certain, or bypass anything until it’s over. Until the moment has passed. Until we are in a new present.

I still haven’t shared my system, by the way - my process - my methodology, so to speak, for being present. So, let’s talk about that.

This is what I do, to ensure I am in the present and to bring myself back upon realization that i’ve lost it, again. Because friends, btw, life is an ongoing process of finding and then losing and then finding again that which is right in front of you. The present moment is your glasses, that have been on your head the entire time, as you have been walking around the house, frantically searching for them. We don’t really have to find it, and in every way, we are actually already in it. But it can be elusive. So.

When I am not sure if I am in the present, or in the right present, I do two things.

First, I get in my body. To do this, I often touch my skin. I either rub two body parts together, like my foot to my leg, or I take the back of my hand and I gently graze my face, or my arm, or my thigh, with my hand. That is, I physically feel myself. I do this sometimes when I am in a meeting and I realize that my mind is starting to slip away. I just graze a body part. It’s totally unnoticeable and it’s a physical coming back. Try it, right now – wherever you are, you can do this. And I promise it’s not weird. Have you ever even touched your own skin before? Like intentionally and non-sexually? It actually feels quite radical the first time you do it. But it also feels like home. It’s a great way to check and affirm that you are still there. Make this a habit and you’ll be blown away by how effective it is, and how obvious it is, but also how strange it is that it’s something we rarely allow ourselves to do or experience.

Other practices that work in lieu of the physical touch are: internal body scans, feeling tracking and becoming aware of the breath, you might even try to see if you can notice the air coming into your nose and trace what the air touches and where it goes. If getting into your body’s internal experience doesn’t jive with you. You may also just look at yourself. Look down and notice your stomach as it rises and falls with your breath. Peep yourself in the mirror. That’s enough. That’s it.

Again, I personally like the body check of touching because it’s something you can do that won’t take you out of what’s in front of you. Where, if you are in a meeting and someone is talking, a body scan, or even tapping into the breath will bring you back to yourself but it will take you away from what you are engaged in. Something else I do on occasion. I have a small mirror on my desk, not for vanity, but for feng shui and spiritual magic thanks to Jacey who was on an earlier episode. I have this mirror because my desk is facing a window (because I like to look out the window but my back is to my door - and that’s bad for your subconscious. That’s like a major energy leak where you unconsciously may not feel safe or incontrol. So a little a hack is to have a mirror on your desk so that you can see the door at all times.) And so with this, occasionally, I just look glance at myself - I have to lean my body and it’s a visual reminder than I am occupying this space and actively here, right now.

So, step 1: Get into your body. Just notice it. Notice anything about it.

Step 2: Notice what your immediate thoughts are, but remain detached and free of judgement regarding them. I.e. Notice if you look at yourself and your first thought is “omg my skin is so loose. I could lose 10 pounds. What happened to me over the years?. Etc.” And lovingly let the thought float around you, but know that you don’t have to engage with it. In fact, engaging with it will take you away from the experience of your body itself. So, disengage.

Step 3: Now that you are physically with yourself – ask, what is presenting itself to me right now? What is pulling at me, requesting my attention, luring me into it?

& then ask your body – not your mind, because your mind is a powerful justifier for what it wants to be focusing on – as your body: is what is pulling at me bringing me closer to the present, or taking me away from it?

What am I sourcing right now? And from what?

Step 4: Ground into an action that brings you back. Don’t just focus on and acknowledge whats in front of you. Engage with it.

If you are in front of your laptop, read an email – respond to it.

If you are eating a meal, take a bite, attempt to identify every flavor in your mouth for the duration of that bite.

If you are in front of a person, listen and respond thoughtfully

If you are home alone staring at a black screen. Stand up. Feel your feet on the floor beneath you. Do something that engages your senses with your home - light a candle, scan the room to see what needs your attention, fold a blanket, do the dishes, start dinner, open a book.

If you can’t beat the distraction, remove it. For example, at the time of writing out these steps, I am sitting in a sunroom without air conditioning and it is hot enough that I am sweating. Eventhough I am writing these steps, almost all I can think about and be in the experience of is how hot I am.

If it’s taking away from your engagement with what is in front of you – remove it. For me that would mean moving myself to an air conditioned location or getting some ice water.

Another example would be dehydration - how many of us live our lives in dehydrated or partially dehydrated state? Drink some water. Get back to what it is that you were doing.

And btw. To be present abso-fucking-lutely does not mean that we need to be in a constant state of doing. But it does mean that if we are in a state where we are doing, or we are required to be doing something, then presence does indeed mean being in the doing fully. And sometimes we can’t get out of the hot AC-free car, or work environment, or experience. And if that is the case - embrace it. Allow it to exist as a part of your present existence. I am hot, and I am writing out steps to come back to the present moment and experience it fully.

Notice that. It’s actually quite interesting what you will find within the experience of those two truths happening simultaneously – the circumstance and what is required of you in this moment.

Your ability to experience and hold what is present will expand over time. And this a good thing. What I mean by this is that you will be able to both feel immense heat in your body AND focus without allowing the heat to distract you. You will be able to be and feel both happy for your best friend who landed their dream job AND sad that they will be moving across the country. When you start to master true presence, you realize that you actually don’t have to choose – its not black or white or one or the other. It’s everything. And learning how to hold it, and be it, all of it.

To become present is to allow what is, vs trying to control it. It is to be in the unknowing, the uncertain, and to merge with it. To open to it, rather than close. And the more you do it, the better you become with it.

And again, the present is always accessible. We are always in it. So a really great question is simply - what present moment do I want to be in right now? That might be escaping into the mind for a daydream, or it might be listening intently, it might be eating chips while typing out a report, half focused on the report and dreaming about the waves.

If you can start with jus becoming aware of what your present is, throughout all your presents – your ongoingness to this world and your experience of it, itself, will become a gift. A present. Pun intended.

Before we wrap, let’s recap the steps to coming back.

Get back into your body.

Notice your thoughts. Disengage with the ones that are pulling you away from what is.

Notice what is tugging at you and ask your body, is this inviting me into the moment or taking me away from it

Ground into an action that brings you back

And as best as you can, become aware of what all of this feels like. And notice what you are sourcing when you are not in the present moment. Is it security, certainty, safety, ease, pleasure? Usually when we disassociate from what is in front of us, internally or externally – it’s because we are sourcing something else – and that something else is usually already available to us within the moment itself. For example. When grief strikes in line at a coffee shop, when you disassociate, you may be sourcing control and safety because making other people uncomfortable, not knowing how they might react, might feel really alarming and unsafe to you. So, where might you recognize and acknowledge, the safety within yourself and that you actually have your back, and that there is no imminent threat or danger from those around you (unless there is) that will be triggered by your expression or feeling.

And I’m not saying that you have to cry when grief strikes. I’m asking, what are you suppressing and what you are getting out that?

When you are not in the moment, what are the benefits to you? And this isn’t a trick question – there are benefits. We are brilliant beings. We work off of incentives. So if we were incentivized to be immersed into the present, we would be. But we aren’t. So what we are getting out of being away from it?

This question is actually WAY more important than the steps I layed out. Because the steps are what work for me, but they might not work for you. Taking the time to understand the roots of what pulls you out of the present - of why the present is hard for you individually, can help you (or help us if you want to work together with me in a coaching session) get out of the steps and back into the moment.

And idk, what do you think? Should I record an episode on cultivating mindset for the present moment? So that we can spend less time or more time, talking about the present, but rather exploring the mental experience of it?

I should say and add that there is no right way to experience what is. It will be different depending on your brain type, your past experiences, your training – at first. Like, if you have ADHD, your present, what is real for you and what you experience moment to moment is likely very different than someone with epilepsy, for example. If you are an engineer, your present – what you pay attention to – is likely very different than if you are a marketer, or a mom, or a mix of all of these, right? Even the experience of being in the body for each of these archetypes, may be different.

And I say this as a permissioning for any of you who seek a level of rightness in how you do things or practice things. Know that there is no perfect right for all. And that what is or feels perfectly right for you may also change over time as you change and grow and evolve. Which you are doing, right now. In this moment.

So maybe the question is simply – what are you paying attention to? And then – Where is the variation in your mind and your body? What is truly required of you, right now, according to your body and your circumstance? How do you want to receive what is being presented, what you are being invited into? And how do you want to give of yourself to it?

I’ll add these and the steps into the show notes if you want to grab them. And do let me know how this episode lands in your body. Are you over the present moment? Or, should we keep diving deeper?

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