🎙51. you don’t have to be good & your success is not conditional
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Transcript:
Welcome & welcome back to the spiritual 9-5 podcast, hosted by myself Marie Groover, founder of The Corporate Psychic and Essential Teams – two businesses that are here to amplify your life’s work through your truest self, and we are here on this podcast to transcend our experience through our lived human experience, which for many of us is within the 9-5 or business or both. Today’s episode is about a particular belief that many of us hold, that may be holding us back. Together we examine what it means to be a good person and if that’s even necessary to get the things that we want in life. Sounds controversial, but I assure you it is not. Keeping listening and don’t forget to share this episode with your favorite human.
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One of my favorite poems, of all time, is written by Mary Oliver and the first line is “You do not have to be good.” I remember the first time I read this poem, that line hit me. I felt it land in my body. And at the time, I didn’t know why it touched me so deeply.
You do not have to be good.
I’m going to read the whole poem for you, and then I want to come back to this line – You do not have to be good – and talk about a very common belief that we hold, how it may affect us and the way we live, how it may lead us into self sabotage, and what the key is to releasing some of the most insidious beliefs that we hold, effectively.
This episode is starting with poetry, but it’s not about poetry. It’s actually about the things that we belief and how they inform the quality of our lives. But first, the poem:
The poem is called Wild Geese, and again, it’s by Mary Oliver.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver is a wise woman and a beautiful, profound poet. This episode is absolutely not about breaking down this poem, but I want to start us off, by drawing from it, this wisdom.
You do not have to be good.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
These two lines are profound – because they tell us how to live and at the same time, what stops us from living, from really living our lives and pursuing work that matters.
And it’s this. It’s the belief that we have to be good – this belief keeps us in line socially speaking – like, it’s not a bad belief to have. And yet, it can keep us small. It can keep us from seeing and knowing and accepting and being with who we really are, for fear, btw, that who we really are is ‘not good’ or ‘bad’.
And, what I’m suggesting actually is that neither is true.
Let me ask you a question - do you believe that humans are inherently good or evil?
Think about it for a second. And answer it in your mind.
Idk if you’ve been asked this question, but as a former philosophy major, we definitely threw this one around. And it’s actually a really important question to ponder, because it informs a core belief – and this core belief shapes SO MANY OTHER BELIEFS that we hold in and about the world and about the people within it, with which we share the world, AND about ourselves.
If we believe humans are inherently good - aka born good, or pure, or morally right in some way - then we likely believe that we are good. Like if you believe babies are born good, then you believe that you, yourself, are good. Because you are human and that is your default state.
OR, you believe that you are maybe not so good, because of the way you grew up or your worldly experiences maybe changed your good standing.
OR, you believe that humans are inherently evil. That would change everything, right? If you believe that humans were born evil, then maybe you believe - that’s it, we are fucked. Everyitng is fucked. No point in trying to be good. Whatever. OR you believe that humans are inherently evil, but that there is virtue in working to be good.
Or you might believe that humans were born good but the world is full of evil and so humans are tainted and then we have to work to be good again.
Whatever you believe — this one is significant to know and decide if you want to keep believing it, or if you want to change your mind, because like I said, it informs A LOT of things – like the way you think every single day and the way you feel and the way you behave in life. And if you can become aware of what you believe on a core level AND aware of how it informs your thoughts and actions – phew, you are on the fast track to true personal development and mental liberation.
Now, this episode is not going to tell you what to believe. I’m just going to tell you, what I’ve decided to believe – the stance that I’ve decided to take. And why. As always, take what serves, leave the rest. I am no guru. But I am a life coach so if you are wrestling with some of these things, or you want to be, hit up your girl. That’s me. I’ve got your back – and in that, I will still never tell you what to believe, only help you find within yourself, what most serves.
OKAY.
SO – are humans inherently good or evil? I think neither. Or both. Which ever. But, it’s not one or the other. Humans CAN be good and humans CAN be bad. And, this is honestly subjective, depending on what our definitions for each are. What does it mean to be good? What does it mean to be bad? Depends, right?
Yet, yet, yet, yet.
there has been a story that was incepted within many of us – which is that humans are supposed to be good. And that if we are good, good things will happen to us. If we are good, life will be good.
Who profits off of this story, btw? Where did it originate? (I’m not actually going to answer these questions, but I highly encourage anyone who feels the call, to go find the answers to these questions). Because, the answers might change the way you choose to think.
So, let me back up – why is anything of this important?
It’s this. Our beliefs inform and shape our thoughts. Our thoughts inform and shape our feelings and emotions. Our emotions inform and shape our actions. And our actions are what produce material outcomes in the world.
If you want to change something around you – external to you, something physical or material in your life – a little hack to doing so, is to examine your core beliefs.
If you believe that people are supposed to good, and that if we are good we will get the results that we seek. Then, you will likely feel guilty or shameful when you do something that maybe doesn’t seem in alignment with what you seek. You also might feel an impending sense of doom when you are not being your best self, or putting forth your best efforts. Because in this context I am talking about being good as in, not just being morally right or virtuous, but being good in the context of whatever it is that you are reaching for.
We all have an idea of what good looks like in different scenarios. To be a good student, for example. To be a good teacher. To be a good parent. To be a good entrepreneur. We all have working definitions for what these things mean in our heads – I don’t even have to say them. So when we do something that is “not good” for the category in which we are working or being –
We might think things like “I’m never going to get where I want to go” which will produce more thoughts like “why even try” “might as well quit now.” “this doesn;t matter anyways.” which will produce feelings like worthlessness, lack of motivation, depletion, anxiety, guilt, shame, indifference, judgment.
Which will result in ineffective actions, no actions, or lifeless actions. Which, will probably not result in the thing we are working toward.
BTW, it’s probably important for me to mention that we started with the belief that we are supposed to be good. I added to that a condition, that if we are good, good things will happen to us.
I did this because 1. It’s a long standing subconscious belief of mine, and so I figured I can’t be alone in this. And 2. It’s a conditional belief that has definitely been argued for in our culture and society, at least in the states.
I am reading this book right now called Bullshit Jobs, which has entirely nothing to do with this, but there is a little section where the author talks about conservative moralists who argue that homeless people are homeless because they have not been good people – i.e. have taken too many drugs and got carried away, lost their homes gambling, cheated on their wives and blew their lives up, are alcoholics, etc and cant keep their shit together. Homelessness was not the main topic of the book, he was using this example to demonstrate causality or causation - AKA why things happen and he was talking about how when we look at why things happen, we have to look at it from 3 levels – from the individual level (why the person did what they did or experienced what they did), the social and economic levels (what are the larger forces) and the cultural and political levels (what does society and culture think about the thing and why are they are are they not doing something about it).
My point in that little side blurb is that we, as a culture, do buy into a collective belief – or in the very least, it is demonstrated to us and argued on behalf of us, that we have to be good in order for good things to happen. I.e. If we are a good homeowner, we will not be homeless. This theory is maybe true, but only on an individual level and not necessarily when it comes to social and economic conditions, or cultural and political levels – AKA those larger forces and that which shape them.
I want you to think about this. When you see a misfortune befall another person – do you EVER have the thought that they should have done something differently, and if they had, they wouldn’t be in that position?
If you have, then you too subscribe to this belief at least on some levels. That when we do right, right is the result for us. That when we are good, good things happen to us.
Which probably means that when bad things happen to you, you feel guilty or shameful or like it’s somehow your fault. And I want to ask you this – who profits from you thinking this way?
Now, I want to talk about my experience with this belief and how it has informed self sabotage in my life and in my work.
I grew up in church. And, this is definitely a story that is delivered in religious organizations, btw. That we are supposed to be good. And that when we are good, good things happen to us. When we are bad, we are punished – bad things happen to us.
I am going to explicitly say that while I no longer buy this story or belief, I do not think the intentions behind it are malicious, nor am I talking shit about church or religious organizations. I am not.
I am simply saying that this is one place where I received this belief and integrated into my being from a very early age. I say this because most of our core beliefs are not formed when we are adults, but when we are children and many of them are subscious and many of them, we don’t even know where they began. This is why I think everyone should study philosophy btw, because it teaches you how to think for yourself and to reflect and examine what has been given to you. But it’s also why I believe everyone could benefit from coaching and personal development – because when you reflect and become aware of your thoughts and feelings and beliefs, you truly become a master of your life and lived experience and you stop being a victim of your life.
Anyways – I was taught from early childhood that when you are good, good things happen to you. And this belief has been permeating through my being ever since. And then 2022 hit me with an alcoholic partner who needed rehab, a sick family member who was dying and then did die, other family members who died who I couldn’t show up for, a horrible break up, lots of cancelled travel, a cancer scare, my mom who was unwell, and probably more that I’ve blacked out of my memory.
When all of these things happened to me, they were all out of my control – completely. For the first time in my life I had to reckon with ALOT of bullshit that I previously subscribed to – this belief being one of them. Because, I had done nothing wrong. I was at my PEAK in purity. I had been doing the work for YEARS. I was living in total integrity. I was giving all of myself to everything I had at all moments. I was being fiscally responsible. I was being a good friend, a good daughter, a good neighbor, a good random stranger, a good business owner, a good coach, etc. etc. – You name the role I was playing in my life and you could have examined me and been like, wow she is fucking on point. And I was happy and I was fulfilled. And, all of these terrible things, they were absolutely not my fault.
And yet, I wondered. What else was coming? I thought, I must be missing something. If I just do XYZ, these better things will happen. And time after time of shitty event followed by shitty event, I was baffled. Like, actually yall. I couldn’t explain it.
And over the course of this last year, 2022 into 2023, I learned three things.
The world is actually not conditional. Many things that exist within the world ARE conditional, like man made things. Processes, policies, the legal system, etc. But existence is not conditional. If a polar bear does all the right things, hunts in all the right places, uses all the best techniques, remains flexible in practice – sure, their chances of survival go up. Like I imagine when there is an abundance of food sources, they probably do better than another polar bear who like, doesn’t know how to hunt. But, when there is no food, there is no food. Which goes to say that existence is not conditional (at the individual level at least) and survival is not guaranteed. You can do all the right things and something terrible can still happen to you. You might not make it out alive.
The second thing I learned is – you do not have to be good. Because the world is not conditional. You can be good. I’m absolutely not saying that you shouldn’t be good. But I am saying that you don’t have to. So, you can also just like let the pressure off a little bit.
And the third thing – it’s easier to believe that you have to be good and that the world is conditional, than to believe anything else. That is, it’s easier to believe that if you are good, good things will happen to you than it is to accept that your survival (or success) is not a promise or a guarantee. Because then you are left with uncertainty and uncertainty is insecurity. So, when you believe that if you are good then good things will happen, what you are ultimately (probably if you are like me) doing is sourcing security and safety through some semblance of knowledge or certainty.
And this is where I want to talk about how smart and brilliant and amazing we are as human beings. We, as human beings, are so smart and brilliant at getting our needs met – our most basic needs, that we will sabotage ourselves to keep comfortable. By this, I mean –
If we believe something that is actually not serving, like for me, that I have to be good or else. We are believing it for a reason – we get something out of it, and likely society or other people also benefit as well. Right? So, the key when we find things that we have been holding onto for a long long time, that no longer serve us, is not to just release the thing. The key is the understand what we are getting out of keeping it.
And in the case of the belief: if you are good, good things will happen to you. If you are like me, believing this provides a sense of security and safety. You, I, WE, are sourcing safety and security from this belief itself.
AND SO, anything that threatens that, the mind is automatically going to reject. Because, safety and security are basic needs for the body, for the mind, for being alive on a very animalistic level. So if you want to let go of a limiting belief, this one, or a different one – you have to understand what are you sourcing from it (AKA how it benefits you) and then find something else to source that thing. Otherwise this belief will keep showing up in your thoughts, emotions and actions and it will benefit you much of the time, but it will also harm you or lead to self sabotage.
An example would be this. When I feel like I am not good at something, I then feel like I wont be able to be successful with it, and then I feel worthless or anxious and then I quit the thing. And this is because I am secretly believing that success is only for the people who are good, or good at the thing.
And if you’re like nodding your head and thinking “yeah but that’s true.” I want to remind you that there are hundreds of successful as fuck companies out there with shit products. That are absolutely NOT good (both morally and on a basic goodness of work or product level), but that we buy from on a regular basis. And if you are like “no way. I don’t buy shit products or from shitty people”, check yourself.
With that, there are hundreds or even thousands of AMAZING businesses and humans and products that are truly the best, that we don’t even know about. Not because they are not good, or don’t deserve it, or because the world is unfair. No. Because it just is. AND, because there is more than just the individual level to consider when we are looking at WHY things are the way they are. It’s not just up to individual circumstances of one human or one business.
It’s not all on you. You are not personally accountable for every circumstance in your life. A business or sports team is not entirely accountable for its success or failure. There are greater forces at play – like social and economical ones, like cultural and political ones, like natural ones – natural disasters, pandemics.
So when you think – I am not good at this, I should just quit. It doesn’t matter anyway. Ask yourself if you are buying into some condition that you have to be good to have fun, to experience joy, to be successful, to have whatever it is that you are seeking on a material level.
We all fall into this trap. There are so many coaches (and businesses) out there who are successful in part because they are selling THE THING or THE FRAMEWORK or THE PROCESS that is going to change your life. And they are successful, not because they are good or because they have all the answers. They are successful, in part, because people like you and I believe that if we just have this thing, or know this way, or understand this process, or work at this skill, that we will be good and that when we are good we will be successful or rich or famous or happy or fulfilled or whatever.
Is that really true? And how insidious is this belief throughout your life and lived experience? Where has it benefited you and where has it held you back?
You do not have to be good.
You just have to let the soft body of your animal, love what it loves.
And if you are too busy trying to be good, you might not even know what your soft bodied animal, what you, actually love or desire.
So stop trying to be good. And let yourself be. See what happens when you rest in the uncertainty of existence, in life, in work, in business, in love.
You can do everything right and still experience devastation – so what is worth it anyways? What is worth doing simply because you want to?
Who do you want to be, not because it will secure you, but because you feel yourself come alive?
For good measure, I’ll read to you this poem, one more time:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
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Wherever you are, I see you. I am honoring you. I am so proud of you. And if you are seeking support in this existence, to be successful, rich, happy, whole, or just you in your career or business, I have two spots opening for 1-1 coaching in September.
If my podcast resonates with you, you would probably benefit and enjoy working together with me. But I do have to say, that in my coaching, I am not giving you any answers. I will never tell you what’s right or what to believe. But, I will give you tools that will help you pave the way, and so much support for every bit of what you find.
Email me for the deets or to get on a future waitlist. I suspect spots will fill soon.
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Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Spiritual 9-5 Podcast, hosted by myself, Marie Groover of The Corporate Psychic and Essential Teams, two businesses that are here to help YOU, the real you, shine within your lived experience and through your life’s work.
If this episode or podcast resonates with you, please share it with even one person who you think would receive value or acknowledgement through it. It means the world to me, and it matters so much more than you know on a tangible level as well.