Framework: Asking Better Questions
What does it mean to ask better questions?
To ask better questions is to practice leading (ourselves and others) in integrity. It's fluid. Sharpening the skill of curiosity requires you to lean into your self-knowing and sharpen your inner awareness. It requires you to be vulnerable (vulnerability = emotional exposure + risk & uncertainty).
That is, it's about more than what you say and how you say it.
This is why I've created a framework for asking better questions -- because the quality of our questions directly impacts the quality of our results.
When we are asking a question, we are initiating trust. We are saying, “I trust you enough to ask this, that you can hold this ask, that you are equipped to answer or provide me with what I need, or to support me in getting to the person or thing that can give me what I am seeking.”
It is recognizing that we are not entitled to, but worthy of what it is that we are seeking. It is also a practice in leadership.
The best managers, the best parents, the best leaders, the best friends, the best guides – they make things clear for us. We know where we stand. We know what’s going on or what's required. There’s no murkiness.
Regardless of our title or role we, too, have the duty to create clarity -- for ourselves, and for others, wherever and whenever possible.
And if we want to create clarity, we need to be clear within ourselves with what it is that we are seeking. Which leads us to Step 1 of the Ask Better Questions (ABQ) Framework,
ABQ Step 1: Clarity. Know what it is that we seek.
So how do we do that? We ask ourselves what do I most want related to our scenario? And we follow it up with the 5-7 why’s test. This is crucial because in getting this level of clarity, we can use it to ask a seriously compelling question.
Example 1: I want my partner to take the trash out.
Why? Because I’ve done everything else, and it’s full.
Why? Because they’re always working and never paying attention to how full the trash can gets and it drives me crazy.
Why? Because I do so much around the house and it goes unnoticed and if they cared, they would just take the f*cking trash out.
Why? Because that would be an acknowledgement and validation of the work that I do, and it would be supporting me and our family.
Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
Why? Because you want them to thrive as much as you do.
Ah. So this isn’t just about the trash. What we may be seeking in this scenario is an act of service or display of love, validation, affection, or acknowledgement. What we are desiring is for our partner to want us to thrive and we are using the trash as a potential fulfillment of that desired validation.
In recognizing this, we can initiate a much more meaningful conversation about our needs and desires vs. starting a mini-war over household chores. That is to say, we can get what it is that we are actually looking for, instead of spinning in circles about what seems to be, but actually isn't, the root of the problem.
Example 2: I want a promotion at work.
Why? Because I deserve one.
Why? Because I have been working here for 5 years and have not been promoted.
Why? Because I’ve been dedicating my time learning about all of the different organization functions, to try to figure out where I am most interested, instead of being like Joyce who has been focused on advancing her career in this particular function.
Why? Because I like this work just fine, but it isn’t fully it for me and I like this company enough that I don’t want to leave, and actually I think that I would be better suited in marketing instead of product.
Why? Because I really enjoy communicating the value of our features and interacting with the marketing teams, and I’m pretty good at it.
So what does this have to do with your promotion? Well, the marketing team only hires people who are senior level and beyond and so I really need to get promoted before they would consider bringing me on.
Ah. Now we can have a much more interesting conversation with our manager, and potentially the marketing team manager as well.
Now, the promo conversation (as in the partner conversation) can go in so many different ways. Sometimes we want a promo because we want to know that we are valued. Sometimes we want a promo because we want recognition, or more money, or more responsibility.
So, the whys are really important, because the clearer we are about what we truly desire, the clearer we can communicate that, and the more prepared we will be to say no to anything that isn’t precisely that. But also, the more likely we are to get the exact thing that we were seeking to begin with.
If we are seeking a promotion because what we actually want is recognition, a new title and a raise will only go so far, if our manager fails to recognize our work and contributions to the team on a regular basis.
Note: navigating the difficult conversations that can come up when we need to clarify what we want, or say no to something that is not exactly it, is essential to mastering the art of asking high quality questions. This piece is not included in the ABQ Framework, but I am teaching an entire masterclass on this topic itself: Mastering Difficult Conversations. Sign up to attend live or gain access to the replay.
But back to Step 1: Clarity..
When it comes to knowing what it is that we seek, the 5-7 why's test is a great place to start. But sometimes when we are working with folks on the fly, we don't have time for deep self reflection. That's OK. In these moments a pause to check in with our intention will go a long way.
Sometimes we ask questions to perform, to prove, to validate ourselves or others, or to get a specific kind of feedback, rather than general information. It's a totally normal human thing to do, and there's no need to stop asking these sorts of questions. However, there is opportunity in these scenarios to shift our approach.
For example, if you approach a friend or colleague with a new and really great idea, check in with yourself before you ask for their advice. Are you really seeking their advice, or would you prefer to receive their support? Sometimes at an early stage of an idea or plan, we want validation but we ask for something else entirely.
The solve for this, by the way, is that when you go to your friend / colleague and tell them about your great idea, you pre-empt it with: “hey what I’m looking for is for you to tell me all the reasons that this idea could work out for me. I’m not actually looking for you to tell me why it might not, yet. What I’m really needing is validation and approval and support. Can you give that to me?”
And that brings me to step 2. Remember, step 1 is clarity (what do you want and why) and step 2 is to address anything that might be stopping you from asking in the first place.
ABQ Step 2: Address anything that might be stopping you from asking in the first place.
Once you realize that it’s deeper than the actual trash, or that it’s more than a promotion at work, you might feel a familiar feeling (or pit) in your stomach – something like fear, anxiety, worry.
This is because when we get to the heart of the matter and we know what we are actually seeking, we feel vulnerable sharing that. It’s suddenly a little squishy, a little personal, a little too exposed. Remember, vulnerability is emotional exposure with risk and uncertainty. We know we are getting into the good stuff, when we get this feeling. And we have to get through it into order to get to the thing that we are seeking.
So, it’s time to get curious again:
What thoughts are surfacing with the fear?
Are you worried that maybe your partner will reject you?
Do you think that your boss will think you are ungrateful for wanting to shift teams, or that you don’t like them?
Does it feel unsafe for you to ask for what you want and need? Why?
What else?
This is where we uncover the real and material blocks that we can address and mitigate in order for us to ask what we want to ask. This is where we find our limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are those sneaky statements that exist in our subconscious that feel real, despite not actually being true. These beliefs surely inhibit us in our day to day lives. And this (step 2) is where we address them.
We do so by naming and clearing anything that is in our way of acting in our best interest, AKA asking for what it is that we want.
I have an excellent resource for this exact type of work. Join the TCP Community & tune into the masterclass replay, The Art of the Question, to receive it.
Note: not all blocks from asking a question will come from our limiting beliefs. Therefore, this step is where we also address the potential material blocks as well. For example, if you need to have a conversation with your manager, but their calendar is full, you must not use that as an excuse or a stop-all. You might find away around this and create the time/space to ask for what you need -- because you are worthy of the effort required to get to the question.
ABQ Step 3: Ask. And be specific.
A good question is a genuine question. It doesn’t have to be the best worded, but it does have to be honest, and clear (AKA direct).
Good questions don’t dance around the heart of the matter, they go right to the heart of the matter. The clearer and more direct our question, the easier we make it for someone to answer.
A good question is specific.
Practice asking directly and specifically for what you want and need. This is not something that we have been conditioned to do, so acknowledge that it may take some repetitions and effort. Ask anyways.
Remember, clear is kind (Brene Brown said that). And it's also the most efficient. It shows that you not only value your time and energy, but the time and energy of those you are asking. Being direct and specific makes it easy for someone else to help you, or to point you to someone else who can.
ABQ Step 4: Follow through or follow up.
This is a practice in boundaries and honoring ourselves. It is also a practice in getting what it is that we are seeking. This can be uncomfortable, but it's the only surefire way to get the thing that we seek.
If we ask for something and it is met with a yes, follow up to ensure the action or the delivery is executed.
If we ask for something and it is met with a yes, but, practice negotiating for what it is that you actually seek, and what will truly be acceptable in its place.
If we ask for something and it is met with no, practice following up with more questions such as, why, who might be able to help if not you, what conditions would need to change in order to receive [insert thing], etc.
If things don't turn out the way that you expect, stay open. Try to steer clear of the stories that may arise about other people being willing or capable in helping you.
This is also an opportunity to politely and gratefully decline the things that do not cut it for us, or to provide feedback for what will work.
After step 1, this is the most important (and often most abandoned) step in the ABQ Framework. Our initial ask is just the beginning. Following through is pivotal to get to the results that we seek.
So, if you are a manager, and you ask your direct report to start sending their weekly operations review to you on Thursdays, instead of Fridays, you follow up when they continue to send their report on Fridays. And you get curious. You ask more questions.
You say “Hey, was my ask clear?”
“Is there a reason why you haven’t been sending this report on Thursdays?”
“Oh I see that you sent it by 9:30am on Friday but unfortunately, that doesn’t work for me. What support do you need to get this to me earlier?”
That is, we continue the conversation. We deepen in the conversation. We explore together. We don’t assume. We don’t make up a story about how no one ever does what we ask. We don’t do the work for our employee and not tell them. Because none of those things are in service to us.
In fact, as we begin to practice asking better questions, we realize that the initial ask is only the very beginning to building a deepened relationship with ourselves and others, for holding safe space, and for getting precisely what we want or need.
Crafting a high quality question is about more than what you say or how you say it. To ask better questions is to be vulnerable.
It is to recognize our worthiness. It is to let go of the story. It is to be open and curious.
It is ask again and again and again.
The best questions are organic and rooted in our deepest desires. They arise when we are able to name what it is that we are really seeking, and when we can be humble enough to share our true desires with others.
To ask better questions is to practice leading ourselves and those around us in integrity and in truth.
And it works.
A recap of the framework:
Clarity. Know what it is that we seek.
Address anything that might be stopping you from asking in the first place.
Ask & be specific.
Follow through or follow up.
Published on LinkedIn in April 2023.
