If what you want & what you are doing do not match up, your life will feel busy, not meaningful

If you feel low on time, stressed about time, like there is never enough time, or like you would finally do some of the things that you actually want to do if you had more time, then keep reading.

Two great and wise women recently said: if you are really busy, try adding in something more meaningful into your schedule and it will change everything.*

If you find that you are always busy, or out of energy, or without enough time (or other resources, too), then you aren’t living big enough. There either isn’t enough meaning in your life, or you are wholly disconnected from it (probably the latter).

I surf, a lot. I love to surf. My life is dictated by the waves – if there is a swell and the wind is good, I want to be in the water and I will find any way possible to be in the water. When I worked for Microsoft, I rescheduled meetings, I took time off, I worked odd hours, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to email my team and say “the waves are firing. I’m going to be inaccessible for the next 4 hours”.

Contrary to popular expectation, my work team was super supportive. Actually, it inspired others to put themselves first in new and unconventional ways and it created really healthy team dynamics where people didn’t feel guilty for prioritizing and doing what brought them joy. Additionally and ironically, we all got more productive. We all got more sh*t done. And we all became super understanding and willing to step in and support each other, when requested. If I couldn’t move a meeting,

I would say "Hey Diane the waves are really good & you know this material like the back of your hand, can you lead this for me?"

And she’d say, "of course! "

Later, Diane would reach out, "Hey marie, I’m going to a yoga class – can I put you as the contact for headcount if any emergencies go down or quick actions are needed while I’m offline”

And I’d be like "Heck yes."

Because, when you know how to prioritize yourself (not your responsibilities, but you), you don’t mind when other people prioritize themselves. Actually, you welcome it. If others know how to prioritize themselves, they will welcome and support your self prioritization as well. This is especially true if you, or if the other, has experienced support in pursuing and prioritizing the self.

Admittedly, this is a rare phenomenon – to support or be supported in true self-prioritization (including the prioritization of our heart’s desires. Again, what we want, not what we need. Who we are, not who we are expected to be).

This is rare because

Many of us were not taught that it’s okay to prioritize what we want, what’s fun, or to learn what matters to us.

Many of us feel very uncomfortable asking for what we need, never-mind what we desire. That is, it’s easier to ask for support when we have to pick up a sick kid, then it is to ask for support when we want to go to yoga class or surfing.

When we are in touch with what we want and need, we think things like, why should I get to have fun while Diane is covering for me? And also things like, why should I cover for Marie? No one covers for me when I need it, let alone when I want to do something fun!

Here’s the thing – our culture loves, honors, and encourages guilt and shame for experiencing joy. We praise people who sacrifice their needs (not to mention desires) for others, for “responsibility”, for “the greater good.” etc. And we think (and say and act) like having fun is irresponsible.

Par for the course, many of us have neglected our desires, the things that bring us joy, and the things that actually matter to us in life. I’m not referring to the things that are supposed to matter to us, nor the things that are acceptable to matter to us. I’m talking about the things that truly matter to us. We’ve been neglecting our desires for so long, that we don’t even remember what they look like anymore.

If we want to live a truly meaningful life, it also has to be a joyous one. Because when we are doing something that truly matters to us, we will feel and experience joy when we do it. It won’t be a duty, but a desire. It won’t be a surface level desire. It won’t be a “should”, not a “have to” or “need to”, nor will it be an arguably productive or meaningful experience by someone else’s definition.

When you are clear about what you love, what brings you joy, what you desire most, what is meaningful or matters to you – even the hard moments of working toward or being in that desire, become desires themselves. For example, if you truly want to run a marathon and you can connect your desire to run the marathon to something greater (aka what it would mean for you if you did it), then I bet even on the days that you don’t feel like running, there will be a little flame inside of you that wants to run.

Protip: Next time you want to achieve something, rather than making a workback plan and filling your calendar with obligatory steps (also important, but not first step important), start by taking a few moments to connect yourself to the desire itself. Connect with the why behind it, to the meaning behind it.

Ask yourself: Why does this matter? What could this mean for me?

Gay Hendricks wrote, “you will never have enough money for the stuff you don’t really want or need.”**

Placed into this context, I say you will never have enough time to do the sh*t that you don’t really want to do.

If you find yourself constantly complaining about not having enough time, then you are probably not spending your time in a meaningful way. In a way that matters to you.

And, I have a real-life example that may help illuminate what I mean here.

I have a client who is a senior director in an important field at an important company. Two years ago she learned how to surf. Upon discovering and falling in love with the sport, her entire life changed.

This weird thing happened, where she added something new (that she loved) to an already insane schedule, and suddenly her entire life and schedule opened up.

It seems counterintuitive to be a busy person and add another daily activity in your schedule where more time and freedom is the result. But this is what happens when we allow joy to be a priority.

If you’re interested in hearing the break down of this phenomenon and the full details of this real-life example, tune into Episode 43 of The Spiritual 9-5 Podcast. It’s worth the listen.

The thing is – a lot of us were conditioned to ‘be responsible’ before we spend time working on the things that we want to.

The great majority of my clients and friends will completely finish their list of todos before they will sit down to write, develop their business, hone a skill, or try something new. The big one for many of my clients who identify as women, is cleaning the house. Many of them feel that their whole house must be clean before they can touch the work that lights their soul on fire.

You see, we are constantly pushing to the side, or saving for later the things that we want. We justify it by claiming to be focusing on the things that we need. We think if we clean the house, finish our worklist, do our self-care routine, etc, then we will deserve to have the treat–where the treat is the thing that we actually want and also desire to prioritize. To this, I say two things:

Living the life that you desire is not a treat. It should be a given. What you prioritize & how you actually spend your time is your life.

You are not prioritizing anything if you are not actually doing it.

If you want to prioritize riding your bike every day after work, it should be the first (or closest to first) thing that you do. If you are struggling to do that, set your environment and yourself up so that it’s difficult for you to not ride your bike.

Because again, how you spend your time is your life and if you are not doing the things you desire regularly, you are also not living a life that you desire.

If you don’t have time, if you are too busy: find something that brings you genuine joy. If you don’t know what that is, prioritize time to go figure it out and then go figure it out. I promise you that if you spend time doing the things that you love, it will transform your life. You’ll be less busy. You’ll feel more fulfilled.

If you don’t believe me, listen to this episode on the podcast.

If what you want & what you are doing do not match up, your life will feel busy, not meaningful.

If you want to live a meaningful life, spend more time doing things with meaning – but things that mean something to you, not things that you think should mean something, or mean something about you, or that other people think matters. Spend time doing what you desire, what you think is meaningful.

And stop being so damn busy. This is your life. Your life is happening right now.

What are you doing today? How are you spending your time?

It matters. Just like you.

Reminder that I am leaving social media on June 8th. Anything that you can do to help spread the word of my work would mean the absolute world to me. If you enjoy reading this subscription on LinkedIn, consider sharing it with someone (or multiple someones) who may also enjoy it.

*Mel Robbins and Briana Wiest are those two wise women I referenced earlier.

**The Gay Hendricks quote is from his book, The Big Leap.

this article was published on LinkedIn in May 2023. Follow me & subscribe to TCP Musings.